Elderly parents


I tried writing this on my birthday but I just couldn’t do it.  And then yesterday was two months since Dad died, and I spent it with Mom. Dad was a big kid when it came to birthdays and Christmas, especially in the presents department. In later years he kept asking for a pony or a Jaguar (no, it was not dementia, it was his sense of humor). Of course he never got either one. But he and his wife always took us out to dinner and gave me plenty of presents for my birthday. The PSU football tickets were always a highlight (even if we then lost the game). This year I was hoping to get him to Cantone’s for some really good Italian food (his favorite). Instead I went with my friend Violet, who gifted me with Mastering the Art of French Cooking (she hadn’t heard the hot-skillet story). I’m going to make something from it this weekend.

So I drove in the cold rain yesterday to see Mom. They’ve changed her medications and she actually seems a little more clear-eyed. I took her two slices of my favorite birthday cake (McCall’s Silvery White Cake with my mom’s chocolate-fudge buttercream icing). She said she’d been thinking that there should be cake, and there it was. Joe always makes me pie (his specialty) so I baked this cake with Mom in mind.

We went to one of our regular haunts—Morning Glory’s in Oxford—because I was thinking fancy soup but when we got there, a chicken and asparagus bake caught my eye and that’s what we both had. Very nice. With ricotta cheesecake for dessert. We didn’t do our drive afterwards because of the weather, but we sat and talked for a bit before I headed for home.

And when Joe came home, he brought me a very sweet message from two people I have not yet had the pleasure of meeting. Thank you both for the thoughts.

We all know I’m mad at the Huffington Post and have sworn them off for any political news whatsoever because they obviously don’t fact-check what their people write. But I did find a really nice piece about a parent dying and I want to share it. If you click on the link, please do not read any of the ads around it; that way at least they won’t profit from me.

Normally when I get published, I’m very excited. And I’ve just been published in the Penn Stater, which is a particular Blue-and-White thrill. However, this time any pleasure I feel is somewhat dimmed. A few months ago my dad told me that the Penn Stater was looking for submissions for “first day” stories. He and I both attended PSU-Altoona and we both loved it. He said he’d write his, I could write mine, and we’d submit both. After I read his, I wrote mine, dovetailing the two stories. And I didn’t show it to him because I wanted him to have the pleasure of reading it first in print (if we were selected).

Well, Dad died two weeks ago. And the Penn Stater just came out and they chose my piece but not his. I have no argument with the magazine—I certainly know editorial procedures and it could have been for any number of reasons. But seeing my piece in there, and not his, just reminds me he’s gone.

So here—complete—are both his and my work. Thanks, Dad.

The Beginning of a Life-Long Love

I remember my first day at what is now called Penn State–Altoona very well. I really didn’t want to be there. On that September morning in 1951, I walked the two miles from my house in Juniata to the Altoona Undergraduate Center of Penn State (AUC). It was on the grounds of what had been Ivyside (amusement) Park. The largest concrete swimming pool in the world was now the parking lot, the bathhouse converted into classrooms, the shooting gallery now the chemistry lab, and the skating rink the Student Union. I had desperately wanted to go away to school but family finances wouldn’t allow it. I envied those who went to real colleges—like Juniata, Indiana, and St. Francis. They would be living the “La Vie Collegian” while I was stuck at home.

The 200+ incoming freshmen gathered in one of the larger rooms in the bathhouse where we were welcomed by the director and various members of the staff. Most were graduates of area high schools. Quite a few ex-GIs and a smattering of other older students–very few girls. The last speaker of the morning was the music instructor. He talked about the friendliness of AUC and practically demanded that we say “Hello” to anyone we meet on campus. We were then dismissed for lunch.

As we walked to the Student Union, we awkwardly greeted everyone we passed. At first it seemed weird to greet strangers but, by the end of an afternoon of filling out forms, meeting with advisors, and learning the Penn State Fight Song, we became a cohesive bunch. I had met people who would become life-long friends, ate lunch with faculty members who talked about real life—baseball, movies, and cars. After the session was over, I got a ride home with another student from Juniata.

At supper that evening, I got the inevitable question, “How did you like AUC?”

I replied, “It was better than I expected.”

It was a rough beginning for a romance that has lasted to the present day.

                                                                                            —John E. Boyd, AUC ‘51

“Ahh, Altoona.” That’s all I heard growing up. This “Altoona” was, according to my father, the most wonderful place in the world to go to college. I didn’t believe him. After all, I saw the town every time we visited my grandparents—with its railroad tracks and hilly streets it didn’t look at all like the college towns I saw on TV. Occasionally on those visits my dad would stop the car at the edge of the tiny campus and go on and on about “Bathhouse U” while all the kids squirmed and said, “Can we go home now?”

Fast-forward. In September 1975 I packed up for college. Where was I going? I had not exactly been ambitious in either grades or college applications, so unlike my two sisters I was not headed for University Park. My father was—for once—delighted with my procrastination and uttered one word: “Altoona!” The only reason I didn’t argue was the short drive to State College, so I thought I’d spend my weekends in a “real” college town.

My procrastination also meant off-campus housing. My parents helped me move into a house I would share with three other freshman girls and a landlady. After I unpacked, my father tried his best to persuade me to walk around the campus so he could “show me around.” All I could think was I wasn’t going to be seen on any campus for the first time with my parents! I quickly ushered them to the door. I still remember the look on their faces as they said goodbye. I was eager to start college life; my parents were watching their last daughter leave home.

And it was better than I expected. Just as it did for my father, Penn State Altoona brought many wonderful memories and friends I cherish to this day.

                                                                                    —Therese Boyd, ’79 (Altoona ’77)

And now all that’s left is my mom. She’s in a home two hours away from me, declining with primary progressive aphasia. I see her once a week as much as I can. I’d love to move her closer to me, but I think it would just upset her.  I know the people who take care of her do a good job and she’s very familiar with her routine. But I’d see her every day if I could.

A column in yesterday’s New York Times really hit home for me—while that woman has her mother in her house, and a five-year-old son, the issues, the feelings, the heartbreak is the same.  If only I could do more . . .

My dad died on Saturday. Just writing that sentence is so intensely personal I can’t explain it. Viewing Thursday, funeral Friday, memories a lifetime. We had such a difficult relationship for so much of my life. But then, and I can’t say when that was, things changed. We both mellowed perhaps. We started to see the ways in which we are alike. And from that grew a really good understanding. For better, for worse, he was my dad. And I’m glad he was.

Mid-summer must always scatter my brain. I was this way last year as well (or so my blog tells me).  So I’m just going to do a little brain-cleaning here.

Been a really nice summer weather-wise; July in particular has been heavenly. Going to visit my mother today, who knows she is in a decline but still manages to keep getting out of bed every morning. Grateful for all the staff at her home who take care of her. Tired of people resisting the fact that we’re in the 21st century and we should have moved on from certain mindsets by now. Even more tired of the PA state workers not getting paid. It’s only “inconvenient” for this household, but for some I know it’s devastating. Glad my friend who had cancer has it no longer. Glad my friend in the midst of a divorce seems to have found a good place to land. Sorry both my brothers are so angry. Itching to run away to the beach, but that’s not going to happen.  Happy to be seeing the rockstar this weekend; hoping I can see family as well. Loved Shane Nelson’s “Christmas in July” this morning. Sick of reading lies about my husband on blogs written by people who are just repeating lies they all heard from one source who should be ashamed of herself. Enjoying pet-sitting little B and turning him on to catnip (prrrrrr). Reading this and realizing it’s not a parallel series. Not going to correct it. Ha!

This was one tough holiday—and it’s not over yet. I know compared to a lot of people, my problems are few. But they are still deeply felt. Two days before Christmas I had to sign the papers to put my mother in the dementia ward. She is indeed wandering again at night. They found her in other people’s rooms more than once. She slept one night in her coat because she said she was “going home.” There is no other option. Even when they increase her meds (if they do), that’s only staving off the inevitable. I am beginning to understand the pain of losing one’s mother. To have it happen this slowly is torturous, but I doubt a sudden loss is any better. Pain is pain.

Wish I could have held on to those warm ‘n fuzzies from the previous post, but it’s been a tough day. I now have to write my siblings a note telling them that Mom is not at all well and staff discussions about moving her back to skilled nursing unit are ongoing. . . . I hope they wait until she’s seen the neurologist next month, but it’s out of my hands.

Trying to find the sanity in the holiday prep . . . I know it’s there somewhere! I can see a few finish lines, but the real one won’t come til Joe’s home from work on Christmas Eve and we kick back for the evening . . . Today I’m taking cookies to the staff at the home where my mother lives. They probably get a lot of food, but I don’t know how else to show my gratefulness. (We’re not allowed to tip.) I have never seen anything but kindness and patience from everyone who works there and we know how lucky we are to have a safe, warm place for Mom.